Let’s talk about self-growth and how it usually feels fucking awful in the moment even though we package it in pink and purple font. It’s not easy to just stop your anger from boiling over at the slightest injustice or to say “no” when your need to people please overwhelms your entire being. Inner peace is the ultimate destination, and the only road going there is self-growth. It doesn’t feel like a field of lilac flowers gently blowing in the breeze on the perfect spring day. It feels like you are the blanket trying to tamp down a fire. Something is burning just underneath the surface, but you’re trying like hell not to let any flames escape. Sure, it would feel fucking amazing to lift up the blanket and let the fire burn down everything around you, but you’re supposed to be different now. Now, when you act you think of what you’re about to say, you examine your triggers, you consider the consequences. So even though it’s hot and uncomfortable and makes you breath heavily, you stand firm on top of that blanket until the fire is out. Or you fuck up and have to start all over, go back to the beginning of your journey. It sucks hard.
If someone were to see me in situations that trigger me, and trust me they are a common occurrence, I might look like an exhausted toddler who won’t get ice cream unless she is quiet for 30 minutes, or some kind of malfunctioning robot. I can’t just say to myself “ok, don’t over react to this.” I have to fight against the urge to do “something bad” with my entire mind and body. It takes all of my entire power not to ruin mine and someone’s life with my words. My body is speeding down the street, high on adrenaline, and pumping the breaks makes me internally skid out of control. Anger is an addiction, and rage is my drug. When I can’t act on it, it’s physically uncomfortable and emotionally painful.
Before one is so enlightened that insults, assumptions, misunderstandings don’t affect them like they once did, before one is able to just shrug it off with a smile, they have to fake it till they make it. And for me, right now, that means swallowing all my righteousness, apologizing (even if I don’t mean it!),blocking someone’s texts because it gives me some sense of control, crying about it for 41 minutes (I timed my last emotional breakdown, I’m trying to understand them better - and honestly 41 minutes is not that bad), replaying the situation in my head for hours, writing about it, going to sleep, getting up the next morning and unblocking. Maybe I’ll go on a run if I’m not lazy.
It’s a far cry away from where I want to be, which is apologizing easily, being ok with them being so fucking wrong us having different perspectives, and then never thinking about it again.
Self-growth is cringy, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.