should we expect to lose friends when they get into relationships?

i mean, probably

Consider this post disjointed musings on a theme. I’ve been thinking a ton about “singleness” as a lifestyle and not just as a relationship status, and how we’ve been looking at it all wrong. Being in a relationship is not just an extension of your life, it’s very different then the way a single person might live. Just as different as LA and New York, or, I don’t know, cheese and ice cream. Sure, they have commonalities, but the major differences outweigh the similarities. Being single isn’t the beginning of the road, and being coupled isn’t the destination; they are actually two completely different places in different countries.

I’m not sure why we won’t admit this. Maybe because we want to believe we don’t have to lose any part of ourselves to commit, or the fear of it not working out, or maybe because we assume this means single people are living a life that’s less than and that makes us all feel bad? (To be clear, being single is not the life less lived!) One’s relationship status dictates so much of the fundamentality of our days. Where you live, who you spend the holidays with, what you watch on TV, what you’re exposed to in general, what you do every night, your morning routine, what discussions you find yourself having again and again, a lot of your hobbies, what you look at every day, what you eat, how your space smells, even how and when you sleep. So that’s where I’m coming from.

Let’s discuss. Should we expect to lose our friends once they start kissing someone? Or at least expect the friendship will bend into a different, less favorable shape? I think, yes. Mostly. I can already hear some of your deafening rebuttals. “I would never abandon my friends!” “My friends would never abandon me!” Well, I don’t know, maybe you’re the exception. Or maybe you’re not really listening. Or maybe most of your friends are in relationships, as are you, and you might be so out of touch with the world of being single and can’t fathom what I’m talking about. Or maybe don’t realize this is true for so many people. Maybe I’m wrong!

Why does everyone expect single friends to only vacation with other single friends? Why can’t you ditch your lame-ass boyfriend for a week? This is just an example. And if you’re screaming “I go on a girls trip every year!” then replace vacation with something else. Friday night dinners, New Year’s Eve, Christmas light in Dyker Heights.

I once was invited over to a friend’s place for what I assumed was a little gathering of our little friend group before Christmas. When we got there, my friend made us all watch as her and her boyfriend exchanged gifts! Like, what the fuck? I once made beach plans with a friend and after we confirmed the time she said “we can just make fun of my boyfriend the whole time.” What am I supposed to say to that? “Oh, um..cool.” It’s a very uncomfortable position to put someone in. I finally mustered up some vulnerability and courage and expressed that this kind of thing bothered me to another dear friend of mine because every time I asked her to hang out she responded with “we.” When I tried to tell her clearly and kindly that I don’t want to hang out with her boyfriend, well, she never made plans with me again. That was a year ago.

Also, on another note, I am not in a relationship with my dog. Yes, I love her! But don’t send me articles about how people don’t date because they’re happy with their pet, and don’t say things like “hope you and Saturday are celebrating your birthday!” She’s a dog, and though well-intentioned, this is insulting. I am single, I’m not an incel. Just because I have a pet doesn’t mean I’ve given up.

Wow, remember when I said this post was just disjointed musings? Another thing! I’m very happy being single. Yes, I want to find love and build something with someone. I want that a lot. Yes, I have been in my heeling from heartbreak era for…um…a while now. But at the same time, I love being single! Being single is a part of me, even when i’m in a relationship, if that makes sense! I know when I find love again I’ll mourn my singleness, because like I said, it’s a completely different lifestyle. I just hate the rules everyone makes us play by, like we are somehow unequal. I am not sleeping on a couch instead of bed because I’m just one person. I will not sit at the kids table. I will not allow you to contort me and make me a placeholder, a cheerleader, someone to hang out with when your partner is busy. Ok ok, that’s a post for another time.

My point is, we expect single people to hang out with other single people and that our partners come first almost always. We can’t even fathom doing something like spending Christmas morning (or other important dates) with our dudes, and Christmas nights with our girls. We will be with our partners and our single friends can fuck off, t’s just a given.

Something tangential to consider: maybe your friends are just tolerating time spent with your partner. I’m not saying they don’t like them by any means, but I don’t know, consider that maybe if they had the choice they wouldn’t choose to include them and maybe you’re being  *a little* self-centered and *slightly* selfish by assuming otherwise. Like, how much time does anyone want to spend with a straight dude anyway? Especially one that’s not buying us stuff or making us cum. Listen, I have an adorable, but super energetic puppy. I get that she’s not for everyone and I’m not offended by that. I don’t bring her everywhere (only most places). When people come over, I warn them about her. I make it clear she has to be there, and if at all possible, I make arrangements for her to not be. As a single person, it can already be difficult going anywhere that’s mostly occupied by couples. You inherently have to have your defenses up. You’re walking into a room alone, you don’t have a built-in support system or something to ease the social anxiety. And besides that, couples have inside jokes, loving moments, and petty jabs and we, single people, have to just kind of listen to it. It’s…annoying. If you hear anything, hear this; WE ARE NOT YOUR AUDIENCE. I’m definitely not saying having your partner around is bad or that you can’t take them anywhere or even that I don’t like them, please don’t get me wrong about this! Just do me a favor and *consider* if you are being completely fair and respectful to your single friend and their time the next time you make plans...if you even make plans with them anymore.