Hi! Wow! Sorry I’m so late! I was gonna call and give you a heads up to tell you but then I just, well, didn’t, and, well, here we are. Yikes! You look great though. Hair! Are those hard seltzers in the fridge up for grabs or was this kinda a bring your own drink type of sitch?
Anyway
I’ve missed a few weeks on my cute little blog and I’m really sorry to keep you waiting for my luke-warm takes and half-formed thoughts. But I’m here now, and late is better than never…at least that’s why my Seamless guy told me yesterday when he handed me room temp pad see ew (relax - I got a gift card for my birthday.)
In between various parks with my puppy at 7 in the morning, my nose in a book when the sun goes down, the coffee-fueled journaling sessions, and the mid-day mini works-outs, the shows, the bad dates and the snacking, June happened, and it happened harder than expected.
Summer is a time when I usually describe myself as stagantly depressed (do not steal). My creative season is February-March believe it or not. It’s the time after I’ve traveled, where I’ve missed my tiny Brooklyn apartment and my dog and teaching and my privacy and staying in one place for days. I’m obsessed with being obligation- free, lighting a candle, sitting on my couch and writing and thinking. Reading then watching T.V. is the event. I love the darkness, I love the deep sleep, I love the ambient lighting.
Fall feels like creativity. Winter feels like planning. Spring feels like opportunity.
Summer feels like pressure.
There are several things-about-town every night, and when I have the option to do something, I don’t feel like it, but when no one comes knocking, I’m sad. What do you want from me? I'm a Gemini. Everyone is so busy, so out of town, so coupled. I don’t teach, my shows aren’t well attended, I stress about money. I have a lot of time on my SPF slathered hands and I use it to bathe in my sadness.
But not this fucking summer.
It’s only been a month (summer starts June 1st actually) and I feel creatively bonkers, like a pinball (cute dog name) in a machine, I’m bouncing off one fun idea to another cool opportunity to another mind-opening conversation, and back again. Mostly I’ve been dreaming and scheming, which is really fun, and honestly kind of a first for me. Usually I’m a planner. The most pragmatic artist you’ll ever meet. Because I am a creative by trade, this all *gestures broadly* needs to be leading to something…constantly…because retirement fund. I’m not saying the creative process isn’t fun, a lot of times it is, but I am saying there are high stakes attached to the outcome, so I can’t really risk putting time and energy into a project that isn’t leading me to fame or money or very big compliments, at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I mean, there is truth to that, but, come on, there’s also room for risk. There’s room for so much more.
Damn, I know I’ve been consuming a lot of content in which older women refuse to believe their time is up, but it’s how I feel. I feel hungry again. I want to eat. I want to take. I want it all SO BIG.
But but but
My to-do lists are long, but not urgent, my attention is short and divided, and the several mini-naps I take a day cuddled next to my soul dog is something money can’t buy (or, idk, maybe I should try and monetize that?).My moods are SWINING, BABY. I can be creatively feral from Monday at 10am until Tuesday at 4pm, slip into a light sadness Tuesday evening and by Wednesday afternoon, I’ve cancelled all plans for the weekend, then by Friday feel the impulse to run as fast as I can through Brooklyn scream-singing Haim.
The good news is, I’m not sad anymore. My baseline is so happy actually (even though I’ve gained weight and am breaking out lolololol). But for some reason, I can’t get done everything I want to get done, and I super can’t seem to sit down at a computer and give the people what they demand; a blog post.
(Grabs megaphone and queues up Carly Rae Jepsen's Cut to the Feeling).
(I recorded that from my iphone - don’t tell anyone)
BUT LISTEN HERE PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET
THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO STEP UP, NO REALLY, I’M ONLY 5’3 AND I CAN’T SEE ALL OF YOU
MY COMITMENT IS RENEWED
MY CONFIDENCE IS OFFENSIVE
AND I WANT TO MAKE THE AMERICAN CITIZENS PROUD
SO I PROMISE YOU, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I WILL WRITE IN THIS BLOG WEEKLY (I HOPE) AND TRY TO MAKE IT ENTERTAINING (KEY WORK TRY).
NOW, LET’S START A REVOLUTION!
BUT FIRST LET’S NAP!
About to nap too 🤣 thennnn rewrite for your project 😉
My confidence is offensive!!!!!